1
00:00:23,390 --> 00:00:25,479
Good evening.

2
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:28,799
It's lovely to be back with you once
again, isn't it, Raleigh? Yes, indeed it

3
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:32,359
is. And in a packed program tonight, we
shall be talking to Boy George, who

4
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:35,639
tonight announced that he's sick of
bisexuals and he's going back to contact

5
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:36,690
lenses.

6
00:00:39,310 --> 00:00:44,089
Then we'll be meeting the nymphomaniac,
Guernsey O 'Farrell, and she'll be

7
00:00:44,090 --> 00:00:45,830
telling us she's a bit of a pullover.

8
00:00:47,470 --> 00:00:52,209
But first, the news. The Metropolitan
Police apologised tonight for today's

9
00:00:52,210 --> 00:00:55,809
traffic hold -up in the Parliament
Square area. This was due to Cyril Smith

10
00:00:55,810 --> 00:00:56,890
shifting his load.

11
00:00:59,630 --> 00:01:04,390
The down -and -out vagrant from Wrexham,
who thinks she's the leader of the SDP,

12
00:01:04,569 --> 00:01:08,179
was admitted to hospital today suffering
from an inferiority complex.

13
00:01:09,890 --> 00:01:13,969
And there were fears today that Mrs
Whitehouse needs a new pair of glasses

14
00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:16,500
she threw a bucket of water over a car
transporter.

15
00:01:19,170 --> 00:01:24,269
Show business. The National Theatre
announced tonight that Dolly Parton is

16
00:01:24,270 --> 00:01:26,150
star in Romeo and Juliet.

17
00:01:26,530 --> 00:01:27,730
She'll play the balcony.

18
00:01:27,731 --> 00:01:34,729
There was trouble tonight for leading
spiritualist Arthur Skeet when his wife

19
00:01:34,730 --> 00:01:37,140
discovered he was having a bit on the
other side.

20
00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:38,980
Sport.

21
00:01:39,670 --> 00:01:41,630
Exciting news from the open at St.

22
00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:46,090
Andrews. British golfers are occupying
the first 20 places in the car park.

23
00:01:46,091 --> 00:01:52,649
But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, the only tennis player who,

24
00:01:52,650 --> 00:01:55,840
he wins, runs up to the net and climbs
through a little hole in it.

25
00:02:06,741 --> 00:02:08,448
Oh, dear.

26
00:02:08,449 --> 00:02:09,499
Another one?

27
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:14,010
Yes. But this time I've had enough. This
time they're not getting it back.

28
00:02:14,290 --> 00:02:15,390
Quite right, my dear.

29
00:02:16,430 --> 00:02:18,110
Well, right in my day, dear.

30
00:02:25,530 --> 00:02:26,580
Yes?

31
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:28,310
Excuse me, please.

32
00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:32,970
Could we have our ball back, please?

33
00:02:33,310 --> 00:02:34,360
No.

34
00:02:36,050 --> 00:02:39,590
Sorry? I said, no, you cannot have your
ball back.

35
00:02:41,570 --> 00:02:42,850
But England are playing.

36
00:02:46,430 --> 00:02:49,080
Then England will have to stop playing,
won't they?

37
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:54,409
But, I mean, it's a test match, you see,
with top international players. Top

38
00:02:54,410 --> 00:02:56,550
international and very careless players.

39
00:02:57,870 --> 00:02:59,490
You're playing the Australians.

40
00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:01,860
Ah, well, that would account for a great
deal.

41
00:03:03,190 --> 00:03:04,490
Now, look, Mr Thompson.

42
00:03:04,491 --> 00:03:05,579
Oh.

43
00:03:05,580 --> 00:03:08,360
You know who I am, do you? Oh, yes, we
all know who you are.

44
00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:11,490
That's why they sent me across to ask
for the ball back.

45
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:16,999
You know, they thought if they sent one
of their star players... Oh, so you're a

46
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,220
star player, are you?

47
00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:24,320
And was it you who hit that ball into my
dahlias? No, no, no, it was Ian Botham.

48
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,050
Ian Botham?

49
00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:29,520
And who, pray, is Ian Botham?

50
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,660
He's one of our best players.

51
00:03:32,661 --> 00:03:36,049
He's a terrific all -rounder. He's
absolutely bang in form.

52
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:39,969
And he hit the most magnificent drive
straight back over the bowler's head,

53
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,020
all the way.

54
00:03:41,350 --> 00:03:43,270
And it was very silly of him, wasn't it?

55
00:03:45,910 --> 00:03:51,270
Well, I mean, that's what he tries to
do, hit it as hard as that, you see.

56
00:03:51,530 --> 00:03:52,580
And he's very silly.

57
00:03:52,610 --> 00:03:54,950
Well, that's the idea of the game.

58
00:03:55,450 --> 00:03:57,070
It's a very silly idea, isn't it?

59
00:03:57,870 --> 00:04:00,130
Very silly idea and a very silly game.

60
00:04:01,050 --> 00:04:02,100
Isn't it, young man?

61
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:04,170
Isn't it?

62
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,090
Yes.

63
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,570
Yes, Mr. Thompson.

64
00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:18,670
Yes, Mr. Thompson.

65
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,660
And tell me, why did he send you to pick
up this ball?

66
00:04:24,540 --> 00:04:25,920
Why did he not come himself?

67
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,160
Bit of a weed, is it?

68
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:31,380
No, no, he's just a bit tense. He's a
bit... A bit on edge. You see, he's 98.

69
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,560
Well, he's old enough to know better.

70
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:40,039
I should tell him what you said. Yes,
do. Do. And tell him in future just to

71
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,360
simply pat the ball gently.

72
00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:44,860
That way he'll have much more fun and he
won't upset anyone.

73
00:04:45,460 --> 00:04:46,980
Yes. Yes, I'll tell him that. Yes.

74
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,739
I'll tell him what you said. Yes. In the
meantime, could we have the... That

75
00:04:52,740 --> 00:04:55,600
ball, Sonny, has damaged my garden.

76
00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:59,309
Well, you have a full apology from
England, I assure you, officially. Full

77
00:04:59,310 --> 00:05:01,870
apologies, butter no parsnips, young
man.

78
00:05:02,850 --> 00:05:06,230
However, that ball has certainly
battered my parsnips.

79
00:05:09,630 --> 00:05:11,370
What are you laughing at? Oh, sorry.

80
00:05:12,470 --> 00:05:16,080
Can we have the ball, do you think? I'm
still waiting for one little word.

81
00:05:17,950 --> 00:05:19,190
Sorry? No.

82
00:05:20,290 --> 00:05:21,340
Please.

83
00:05:22,349 --> 00:05:26,509
Please, Mr. Thompson, may we have the
ball back that we so foolishly and

84
00:05:26,510 --> 00:05:28,410
harmfully hit into your garden.

85
00:05:31,910 --> 00:05:38,329
Please, Mr. Thompson, may we have the
ball back that we so foolishly and...

86
00:05:38,330 --> 00:05:39,380
Harmfully?

87
00:05:40,190 --> 00:05:43,610
Harmfully... hit into your garden.

88
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:52,410
Now, be warned.

89
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:56,899
If you hit this ball into my garden once
more, I shall confiscate it

90
00:05:56,900 --> 00:06:01,299
permanently. And then you and your Mr.
Botham will have to find something

91
00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:03,200
to do on a Saturday afternoon.

92
00:06:03,540 --> 00:06:05,340
Yes, I shall tell Mr. Botham. Thank you.

93
00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:10,660
You're too soft with them, Gerald. You
should have kept it. I know.

94
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:14,320
But quite frankly, my dear, where would
we have put it?

95
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:28,439
No collection of songs would be complete
without an Astaire number, since he

96
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:32,839
created most of the great standards.
Here it is, then. Slap that bass from

97
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:34,480
We Dance, Elaine Page.

98
00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:43,230
Zoom.

99
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:59,859
With politics and taxes and people
grinding axes, there's no

100
00:06:59,860 --> 00:07:01,260
happiness.

101
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:08,320
Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.

102
00:07:09,020 --> 00:07:11,860
Rhythm, lead your race.

103
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:17,840
The future doesn't fret me if I can only
get me.

104
00:07:34,670 --> 00:07:36,070
Bye.

105
00:07:44,870 --> 00:07:47,070
Bye. Bye.

106
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:18,240
If you want a bubble, slap that face.
Slap away your trouble.

107
00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:19,600
Zoom, zoom, zoom.

108
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,020
Slap that face.

109
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:31,440
Dictators would be better off if they
could zoom.

110
00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:01,190
You were taken there.

111
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,680
You must often get taken for him.

112
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,660
Well, not very often, I must be honest.

113
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:14,930
You're somebody.

114
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:18,250
Oh, I'm somebody, all right. Yes, I'm
somebody.

115
00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:20,800
Everybody's somebody, aren't they?

116
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,000
Otherwise, nobody would be anybody.

117
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:24,840
Well, you're somebody.

118
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,130
I've seen you.

119
00:10:26,580 --> 00:10:28,990
Well, I doubt it. I mean, I don't appear
anywhere.

120
00:10:28,991 --> 00:10:31,039
You've appeared here, haven't you?

121
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:34,360
Yes, but I mean, you know, I don't...
don't perform.

122
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:35,960
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

123
00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:42,019
No, I mean... I mean, I don't, you know,
I don't entertain. I'm not... not an

124
00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:43,070
entertainer.

125
00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:47,110
Come off it.

126
00:10:47,540 --> 00:10:48,740
Look, honestly, no.

127
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:53,239
I promise you, I'm just an ordinary,
rather dull person. I haven't got one

128
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,140
of show business sparkle, scintillation
or pizzazz.

129
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,100
Ah, you're Robin Day, ain't you?

130
00:11:02,540 --> 00:11:04,160
having no show business with Dad.

131
00:11:04,161 --> 00:11:07,959
I mean, he's got so much of it, goodness
me. If you want to see a real over -the

132
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,430
-top performance, just you watch
Question Time.

133
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:12,380
Are you not him, then?

134
00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,380
No, I'm not him.

135
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,510
Who's that ventriloquist bloke who works
with a dummy?

136
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,100
Ray Ampton.

137
00:11:21,101 --> 00:11:25,659
Ray Allen. Yeah, that's him, yeah, and
Lord John, yeah.

138
00:11:25,660 --> 00:11:26,599
Lord Charles.

139
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,680
Yeah, that's it, yeah.

140
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:28,870
You're one of them.

141
00:11:31,451 --> 00:11:38,619
mind? You're not thinking of Rod Hull
and Emu, are you? Oh, yeah, that's him,

142
00:11:38,620 --> 00:11:40,910
yeah. Will you just leave me in peace,
please?

143
00:11:40,911 --> 00:11:43,819
Just thank you very much. Just to enjoy
my drink. Thank you very much. Sorry,

144
00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:44,870
sorry. All right.

145
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:50,790
On holiday, Danny, are you? No, I work
here.

146
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:54,739
Oh, yeah? What, in cabaret, that? No,
look, no, not cabaret. I am not in show

147
00:11:54,740 --> 00:11:57,279
business, you know. Will you just leave
me in peace?

148
00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:58,900
Thank you, just to enjoy my drink.

149
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:03,639
Like a drink, do you? Yes, I do. I enjoy
a drink, I must be honest. In peace, I

150
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,690
like a drink.

151
00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:07,520
A lot of your people are heavy drinkers,
aren't they?

152
00:12:07,521 --> 00:12:10,949
What do you mean, my people? What do you
mean, my people? What kind of

153
00:12:10,950 --> 00:12:13,389
generalisation? What do you mean, my
mother, my father, my uncle? What do you

154
00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:14,440
mean, my people?

155
00:12:14,441 --> 00:12:15,489
Show business people.

156
00:12:15,490 --> 00:12:16,870
Look, I am not show business.

157
00:12:16,990 --> 00:12:20,930
I am not a heavy drinker. I'm a nine
stone four drinker, you must know.

158
00:12:21,150 --> 00:12:23,750
I'm sorry, sorry to intrude.

159
00:12:25,130 --> 00:12:27,480
It's just that I find it fascinating,
you know.

160
00:12:27,570 --> 00:12:31,790
And although I really realise that your
privacy is to be respected and...

161
00:12:32,190 --> 00:12:36,649
I know that whatever I think about you
and what you are and who you are makes

162
00:12:36,650 --> 00:12:38,470
difference at all whatsoever to you.

163
00:12:38,850 --> 00:12:40,350
I think you're Harry Seacombe.

164
00:12:41,930 --> 00:12:43,690
Harry Seacombe is enormous.

165
00:12:43,910 --> 00:12:45,110
He's lost a lot of weight.

166
00:12:45,910 --> 00:12:49,130
All right, all right, I'll admit it. I
am in show business.

167
00:12:49,490 --> 00:12:51,690
I'm a very, very well -known name.

168
00:12:51,970 --> 00:12:56,349
I star in my own TV special. I'm a
household name, do you understand that?

169
00:12:56,350 --> 00:13:00,769
have my own act, you know, that is
wonderful, a great success, and finishes

170
00:13:00,770 --> 00:13:01,820
this.

171
00:13:03,370 --> 00:13:04,420
Make my bed.

172
00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:34,310
the fish shop in the high street.

173
00:13:36,410 --> 00:13:43,169
Here's the weather

174
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:47,809
forecast. In the home counties, there'll
be sunny intervals, but only during the

175
00:13:47,810 --> 00:13:48,860
night.

176
00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:55,049
There'll be an attack of giant spiders
in the north here, and it'll be raining

177
00:13:55,050 --> 00:13:58,609
from Somerset to Cornwall, so if you're
going from Bath to Loo and back, you

178
00:13:58,610 --> 00:13:59,660
better take a towel.

179
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:02,790
raining cats and dogs.

180
00:14:04,150 --> 00:14:06,130
Or in Manchester, it'll be hissing down.

181
00:14:07,550 --> 00:14:09,410
That's why I've spat on Milton Keynes.

182
00:14:10,030 --> 00:14:11,110
But then, who hasn't?

183
00:14:13,610 --> 00:14:15,530
Now, let us look at the overall picture.

184
00:14:17,630 --> 00:14:20,460
Isn't it lovely? Now, let's look at the
overall picture.

185
00:14:22,550 --> 00:14:24,110
This is my assistant, Miss Good.

186
00:14:24,111 --> 00:14:28,009
I said, what's your name? She replied,
Hermione Good. I said, well, we'll find

187
00:14:28,010 --> 00:14:29,390
out later. What's your name?

188
00:14:29,391 --> 00:14:33,179
As you can see, there's nothing new
under the sun. Not under these, anyway.

189
00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:37,720
But she is a lovely girl, although she
tends to wear rather hairy eyebrows.

190
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:39,220
And a very runny nose.

191
00:14:41,820 --> 00:14:42,870
Hello.

192
00:14:43,620 --> 00:14:44,760
Goodbye, dear. Forever.

193
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,320
Now, we have some of our latest
instruments over here.

194
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:51,470
Here we have the barometer. And here we
have the seaweed.

195
00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:54,150
And here, of course, we have the
rainfall gauge.

196
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:56,820
Now, last night, we had 27 inches of
rain.

197
00:14:57,340 --> 00:14:59,740
10 inches in this one and 17 inches in
that one.

198
00:14:59,741 --> 00:15:04,319
Now, either there was a tidal wave or
there's been an elephant on the Air

199
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,370
Ministry roof.

200
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:08,640
But there's good news for spinsters in
Scotland.

201
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,000
You'll get a monsoon.

202
00:15:11,421 --> 00:15:18,489
Coming up on your screens now is today's
satellite picture supplied by the

203
00:15:18,490 --> 00:15:22,160
Americans. Quite useless, as you see,
all the weather's hidden by clouds.

204
00:15:23,310 --> 00:15:27,129
However, our new British satellite is in
much lower orbit. It's actually

205
00:15:27,130 --> 00:15:29,570
positioned on the top deck of a number
11 bus.

206
00:15:30,690 --> 00:15:31,890
Here's today's picture.

207
00:15:33,450 --> 00:15:35,250
A puddle outside Hackney Garage.

208
00:15:35,950 --> 00:15:40,349
Which brings me to flooding. Now, this
is the area that would be affected if

209
00:15:40,350 --> 00:15:42,270
River Thames should flood. There we are.

210
00:15:42,271 --> 00:15:47,399
If it should happen, and there's only a
very remote chance that it won't, you'll

211
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:48,840
get a warning sound like this.

212
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:53,500
That means, don't panic, go upstairs and
watch the boat race at Launce.

213
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,430
Or do a bit of duck shooting, if you'd
rather.

214
00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:58,900
Ten seconds later, you might get this.

215
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,380
Which means that the man who did this is
now underwater.

216
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:09,280
Airlocks, I hear you cry.

217
00:16:12,650 --> 00:16:15,490
And, of course, they will be open, even
on Sunday.

218
00:16:15,830 --> 00:16:18,510
Well, there you have it. But not
underwater, I hope.

219
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:22,889
Until next weather forecast, remember
that old saw and put a bit of ointment

220
00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:23,940
it.

221
00:16:24,370 --> 00:16:26,230
Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.

222
00:16:26,450 --> 00:16:28,620
Red rash in the morning, doctor's
warning.

223
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:44,260
people here.

224
00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:47,250
Loads, absolutely loads. Oh, look,
there's Don.

225
00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:50,110
Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Don. Nice chap,
Don.

226
00:16:50,490 --> 00:16:51,770
He's an Aussie, isn't he?

227
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:55,030
Don, an Aussie. No, no, no, no, he's a
jock.

228
00:16:55,031 --> 00:16:56,729
Like Mick.

229
00:16:56,730 --> 00:16:58,310
Hi, Mick. Oh, Mick.

230
00:16:58,890 --> 00:17:03,590
Surely Mick isn't a jock, Mick's a
paddy. No, no, no, he's a jock.

231
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,240
Paddy's a Mick.

232
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:06,868
Top of the evening to you, Paddy.

233
00:17:06,869 --> 00:17:09,270
I know Paddy's a Mick, but isn't Mick a
paddy?

234
00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:12,109
Never, no, no, Mick's a jock, like Don.

235
00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:15,400
Well, what about Jock, then? Good to see
you, Jock.

236
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:16,960
He's an Aussie, isn't he?

237
00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:19,180
No, no, no. He's as much a Brit as I am.

238
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:20,570
Hi, Jerry.

239
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:23,119
Ah, now, he's an Aussie. Who, Jerry?

240
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,239
That's right. Very simple, really.

241
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:26,579
Mick's a Jock. Jock's a Brit.

242
00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:30,330
Paddy's a Mick. Aussie's a Paddy. Brit's
a Jerry. And Jerry is an Aussie.

243
00:17:30,331 --> 00:17:33,999
You sure Jerry's an Aussie? Oh, yes.
Just the other day he told me how much

244
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,640
adored Sidney. Oh, yes. I'd heard he's
an answer.

245
00:17:39,651 --> 00:17:41,579
Alice Springs.

246
00:17:41,580 --> 00:17:43,510
Oh, does she? I must make a note of
that.

247
00:17:44,420 --> 00:17:45,920
Oh, look who's over there.

248
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,660
Ernie. You know, he recently won an
Oscar. Oh, yes.

249
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,740
It gave him an enormous fillip.

250
00:17:52,060 --> 00:17:55,370
Now, there was someone I hadn't seen for
ages. Oh, enormous fillip.

251
00:17:55,371 --> 00:17:58,739
You know, he won something on Ernie.
Yes, and from what I heard, Ernie's got

252
00:17:58,740 --> 00:18:04,139
something on Tony. Yes, and Tony's got
something on Oscar. Oh, who's that just

253
00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:04,799
come in?

254
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,880
Oh, it's Gene. Yes, he's with Gene.

255
00:18:07,180 --> 00:18:08,230
Oh, a pair of jeans.

256
00:18:10,221 --> 00:18:12,249
Is that Frank?

257
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:13,690
Well, he wasn't Frank with me.

258
00:18:14,710 --> 00:18:18,210
Look who's just arrived. Well, dear,
it's Guy.

259
00:18:18,211 --> 00:18:19,449
And Guy.

260
00:18:19,450 --> 00:18:22,170
And Guy. And Guy. Do you know all those
guys?

261
00:18:22,390 --> 00:18:23,440
Yes.

262
00:18:23,550 --> 00:18:26,650
Give me the Willys. Tell me something.
Do you like Willy?

263
00:18:27,130 --> 00:18:31,569
Willy? Well, quite frankly, dear, I
think he's a Wally. Willy a Wally? Well,

264
00:18:31,570 --> 00:18:32,830
call him a bit of a Charlie.

265
00:18:33,510 --> 00:18:35,610
Not a Charlie. No, no, not a Charlie.

266
00:18:35,611 --> 00:18:36,949
Herbert's a Charlie.

267
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:38,539
Charlie, of course, is a complete dud.

268
00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:40,080
And Dud is a bit of a Herbert. Oh.

269
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:41,670
And Wally?

270
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:42,930
Oh, he's a right Nana.

271
00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:44,230
Oh, Nana.

272
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,320
Loved your last record, dear.

273
00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:50,260
Between ourselves, I think Mick is a
Wally, too. Mick?

274
00:18:50,261 --> 00:18:53,379
He's a Don. He can't be a Wally. Well,
why not? Look at Paddy. He used to be a

275
00:18:53,380 --> 00:18:57,379
Ted. Now he's a Bobby. He's still a
Mick. He's still a bit of a Herbert.

276
00:18:57,380 --> 00:19:01,139
course, Jerry may be an Aussie, and he
may be married to Britt, who's a Dolly,

277
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,159
and pretend to be a jock, but we all
know he's a great big Jesse.

278
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,210
Exactly.

279
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,080
By the way, what's your name?

280
00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:09,230
Oh, I'm Reggie. Oh. I'm Reggie, too.

281
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:14,029
Sensible names, aren't they? Yes, no
funny business. No, no, no silly jokes,

282
00:19:14,030 --> 00:19:15,080
quite.

283
00:19:15,081 --> 00:19:16,229
What's your surname?

284
00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:17,280
Oh, I'm a Burke.

285
00:19:19,210 --> 00:19:20,260
I'm a Pratt.

286
00:19:21,550 --> 00:19:26,189
I come from a long line of Burkes. Oh,
really? I'm one of the biggest Pratts in

287
00:19:26,190 --> 00:19:27,240
town.

288
00:19:27,241 --> 00:19:32,029
I say, shall we go and get another
little drink here? Why not, dear?

289
00:19:32,030 --> 00:19:35,520
My sister's just gone to New York, you
know. She's going to marry a pink.

290
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:53,860
It says here they've invented a
telescope what can see 93 million miles.

291
00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:55,710
Impossible.

292
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:57,960
Nothing's impossible.

293
00:19:57,961 --> 00:19:59,579
Well, it must be something.

294
00:19:59,580 --> 00:20:00,630
No.

295
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,870
I'll tell you something that's
impossible.

296
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:06,340
What? It is impossible for a worm to
fall over.

297
00:20:10,020 --> 00:20:11,760
That is different, isn't it?

298
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,320
I mean, space and that.

299
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:20,060
I don't trust these space scientists and
all that. I mean, if they're so clever,

300
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,640
why do they count backwards?

301
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:24,410
Exactly.

302
00:20:24,411 --> 00:20:28,739
One of them telescopes wouldn't do no
good to me, I tell you that. I've got

303
00:20:28,740 --> 00:20:29,860
spots before me eyes.

304
00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:33,719
Well, you called them new classes,
didn't you? Didn't they help? Well, sort

305
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,539
you know. It didn't get rid of the
spots, you know, but I can see them much

306
00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:37,590
clearer now.

307
00:20:53,390 --> 00:20:59,509
Famous poet and author Robert Looney
Stevenson Shelleybrook died alone in the

308
00:20:59,510 --> 00:21:03,829
tropical heat of the jungle where he had
gone to escape illness. Yet, who never

309
00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:09,629
once lost his love of the country that
was forever in his heart, England. He

310
00:21:09,630 --> 00:21:13,969
wrote frequently and passionately of his
love for England and its people, often

311
00:21:13,970 --> 00:21:19,670
hoping that one day he would return to
them, which sadly he never did.

312
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:35,460
I wish I were in England now, the
mudlarks chase the turning plow.

313
00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:42,080
I wish I were in England now, of meadow
glean and rustic bough.

314
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:48,040
I wish I were in England now, in
maidenhead or sunny slough.

315
00:21:48,380 --> 00:21:54,440
I wish I were in England now, of lazy
youth and daisy cow.

316
00:21:54,780 --> 00:21:57,940
And not in this far empire corner.

317
00:21:58,510 --> 00:22:00,670
Growing daily more for Lorna.

318
00:22:01,470 --> 00:22:03,710
Forgotten, lost, a last retreat.

319
00:22:04,050 --> 00:22:06,510
And none to greet me save the heat.

320
00:22:06,770 --> 00:22:13,530
Where sandpan ply their ugly trade. And
darkened glance is often made.

321
00:22:13,890 --> 00:22:20,889
Where nasty little chink -eyed gits are
everywhere like ruddy mitts. And lousy

322
00:22:20,890 --> 00:22:24,710
evil skinny coolies need a kick right in
the...

323
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:31,380
Rotten, slimy, yellow johnnies spend all
day on their sitter ponies.

324
00:22:33,140 --> 00:22:35,820
I really do not like this place.

325
00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:38,440
It reminds me of a fish's face.

326
00:22:38,860 --> 00:22:44,960
It's hot, it's wet, it smells like jelly
kept inside a rancid welly.

327
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:50,979
People are a faggoty crew who look like
they've been down the loo. I hate them

328
00:22:50,980 --> 00:22:55,200
all, these foreign breeders. What a
bunch of slit -eyed bleeders.

329
00:22:56,160 --> 00:23:01,139
Push off, you yellow dross, for whom I
couldn't give a toss, and leave this

330
00:23:01,140 --> 00:23:06,719
place to us fine British, whose eyes are
not the least bit slitted. We'd turn

331
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,440
this pig and trough about and kick you
tribe of nippies out.

332
00:23:12,780 --> 00:23:19,500
I wish I were in England now, of
sparrows' cough and dogs' bow -wow.

333
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:25,000
I wish I were in England now, of
pussies' purr.

334
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:27,600
And cats, meow.

335
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:45,299
God, these lantern -lighting johnnies
drive me proppo. Written and performed

336
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:47,400
Stevenson Shelleybrook in 1902.

337
00:23:47,940 --> 00:23:51,240
Also in the archives, two shorter works.

338
00:23:51,690 --> 00:23:55,589
In the first that we see now, the poet
returns once again to the theme of

339
00:23:55,590 --> 00:23:58,430
England he is missing so dearly.

340
00:24:00,150 --> 00:24:04,370
If I should die, think only this of me.

341
00:24:04,850 --> 00:24:09,990
There is some corner of a foreign field
that is forever England.

342
00:24:11,150 --> 00:24:13,810
That's one in the eye for this tribe of
thieves.

343
00:24:14,170 --> 00:24:20,369
With scrawny arms in baggy sleeves, push
off, you mangy yellow skins, before I

344
00:24:20,370 --> 00:24:21,470
kick you in the shin.

345
00:24:22,070 --> 00:24:27,749
In Britain in the good old days, your
slit -eyed oriental ways just wouldn't

346
00:24:27,750 --> 00:24:32,250
stand a chance in hell. Your feet squint
and your eyeballs smell.

347
00:24:32,930 --> 00:24:37,790
Get out, you maggoty rice pickers. I'd
like to kick you up the knickers.

348
00:24:39,690 --> 00:24:40,750
And you, you old bag.

349
00:24:43,530 --> 00:24:47,730
And finally, the work on which we close
tonight.

350
00:24:48,250 --> 00:24:51,310
England, England, forever England.

351
00:24:51,550 --> 00:24:57,210
The last work ever written by the poet
just before he died.

352
00:25:06,910 --> 00:25:08,330
God, what a dump.

353
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:10,780
They couldn't give a damn, you know.

354
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,400
A leaking sump.

355
00:25:12,820 --> 00:25:15,200
They've cut off the raspberry jam,
though.

356
00:25:15,540 --> 00:25:18,700
I hate them. The rotten, filthy
layabouts.

357
00:25:19,060 --> 00:25:21,640
The stinking, evil, slit -eyed louts.

358
00:25:21,940 --> 00:25:24,000
Can't trust a chink, is what I say.

359
00:25:24,220 --> 00:25:28,540
But Britishers go all the way. I like
the English through and through.

360
00:25:30,580 --> 00:25:31,630
Wait a minute.

361
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,760
Come to think of it, that's not true.

362
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,560
I like you, Moses.

363
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,600
That comes as a bit of a shock, finding
that out.

364
00:25:47,891 --> 00:25:49,379
Tonight...

365
00:25:49,380 --> 00:25:57,159
Thank

366
00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:58,360
you very much, very kind.

367
00:25:58,740 --> 00:26:04,479
Tonight I have made a solemn, binding
promise to our producer to get straight

368
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,070
with the story, you know, not indulge in
any of that.

369
00:26:07,580 --> 00:26:09,560
customary rambling, you know, that I do.

370
00:26:10,340 --> 00:26:13,040
So, you know, so here goes.

371
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:18,140
There's this priest and, well, let's
face it, I mean, it only wastes time,

372
00:26:18,220 --> 00:26:19,360
doesn't it, rambling?

373
00:26:19,361 --> 00:26:23,599
You know, if I just sit here and witter
on about everything under the sun, you

374
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:24,499
know, it's pointless.

375
00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:25,639
You know, it's irrelevant.

376
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,690
You know, there's no need for it,
really.

377
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:33,419
So tonight, right on with the story
about, as I say, this priest who one day

378
00:26:33,420 --> 00:26:35,420
decides to become a missionary.

379
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,890
added to which really rambling, you
know, rambling.

380
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:45,699
We've got this new controller here at
the BBC and he is very, very hot on

381
00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:48,460
efficiency. My goodness, is he ever
efficient?

382
00:26:49,060 --> 00:26:50,240
Not very often, no.

383
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,840
But he is better than the last
controller.

384
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:58,939
He stepped down recently with the
highest redundancy settlement ever paid

385
00:26:58,940 --> 00:26:59,990
the BBC.

386
00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:01,980
£400 and a crackerjack pencil.

387
00:27:01,981 --> 00:27:07,739
Not that he will need it, to be honest,
because his wife is something big in the

388
00:27:07,740 --> 00:27:08,790
city.

389
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,360
She's the Thames flood barrier.

390
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:12,570
No, she isn't.

391
00:27:12,571 --> 00:27:16,299
That was just a case of mistaken
identity, you know, which went for an

392
00:27:16,300 --> 00:27:17,350
morning dip.

393
00:27:19,380 --> 00:27:24,239
He actually started here as a producer
with Children's Television in 1956, and

394
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:27,939
remember that year very clearly, because
at that time I was having rather a

395
00:27:27,940 --> 00:27:30,900
torrid affair with one of the
Woodentops.

396
00:27:32,340 --> 00:27:34,810
And he was kind enough. to pull a few
strings for me.

397
00:27:35,950 --> 00:27:42,009
When he left, when he left, the BBC
threw one of their special parties in

398
00:27:42,010 --> 00:27:43,630
honour. You know, the usual thing.

399
00:27:43,750 --> 00:27:48,690
Bottles of champagne, scotch, gin, vodka
were all locked away in a can of 7 -Up.

400
00:27:48,691 --> 00:27:53,789
It was a little bit of a boisterous
evening, to be honest, just as they were

401
00:27:53,790 --> 00:27:55,900
about to hold the raffle for the
Twiglets.

402
00:27:56,870 --> 00:27:59,690
A fight broke out between two of the
guests.

403
00:28:00,250 --> 00:28:04,789
Rather unfortunate, because Marcel
Marceau was being strangled by the

404
00:28:04,790 --> 00:28:05,840
man.

405
00:28:06,310 --> 00:28:08,290
Everyone just stood around and clapped.

406
00:28:10,010 --> 00:28:14,509
That was the night, it's all coming back
to me now, when I leapt onto the dance

407
00:28:14,510 --> 00:28:17,750
floor and did my rather racy impression
of John Travolta.

408
00:28:18,310 --> 00:28:21,020
I suppose it must have been, you know,
the animal in me.

409
00:28:21,990 --> 00:28:23,570
I had to tear it down my trousers.

410
00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,999
Oh, yes, no rambling. I mustn't upset
the new controller because this new

411
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,590
controller thinks I am the funniest man
in Britain.

412
00:28:32,220 --> 00:28:36,959
He's been told to stay in bed and take
things easy for a while. So if you feel

413
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,039
like joining in with the words, please
don't. It's hard enough as it is.

414
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:45,779
as I say, it concerns this priest who
one day decides to go on a missionary

415
00:28:45,780 --> 00:28:46,920
expedition to Africa.

416
00:28:46,921 --> 00:28:50,719
And he's a little bit nervous, you know,
in case it turns out to be dangerous.

417
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:55,419
So he prays to God. He says, look, as I
am a devout Christian and I'm a firm

418
00:28:55,420 --> 00:28:58,400
believer in life after death, I support
Watford.

419
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:04,479
Watford said, if it's all the same to
you, I'd rather not get killed because

420
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:07,619
worried about how it will affect my
social life. To which God replies, do

421
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:10,740
worry about a thing, he says. I will
look after you.

422
00:29:10,741 --> 00:29:14,689
All I ask is that you trust me, no
matter what happens, however bad things

423
00:29:14,690 --> 00:29:16,680
Trust me, and I will look after you,
see.

424
00:29:16,681 --> 00:29:18,329
Quite a good impression, that, actually.

425
00:29:18,330 --> 00:29:21,969
So off the priest goes, and a month
later, there he is, trekking across

426
00:29:21,970 --> 00:29:24,710
to his mission station, on the back of
this donkey.

427
00:29:24,711 --> 00:29:29,509
He was supposed to go on an elephant,
but at the last minute, it did the dirty

428
00:29:29,510 --> 00:29:30,560
on him.

429
00:29:31,470 --> 00:29:33,030
And ran away, please.

430
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:35,740
Don't make up your own jokes.

431
00:29:35,741 --> 00:29:39,699
Just as they're starting to climb up
this mountainside, all of a sudden

432
00:29:39,700 --> 00:29:43,439
a terrible, almighty avalanche. And the
priest goes hurtling back down the

433
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:48,159
mountain again, ends up clinging
precariously by his fingernails to a

434
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:52,599
-thin precipice. While down below in the
swirling waters, there's this huge,

435
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:54,500
monstrous crocodile snapping away.

436
00:29:54,820 --> 00:29:57,650
And don't ask me why a crocodile was
taking photographs.

437
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:02,900
At this point, a small single -seater
airplane happens to be passing overhead,

438
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:05,470
and the pilot looks down and says,
Excuse me, sir.

439
00:30:05,471 --> 00:30:09,939
Excuse me, he said, I can't help
noticing you are clinging precariously

440
00:30:09,940 --> 00:30:11,839
fingernails to a wafer -thin precipice.

441
00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:13,099
Is everything all right?

442
00:30:13,100 --> 00:30:17,179
And remembering what he's been told, the
priest said, steals himself, says, yes,

443
00:30:17,180 --> 00:30:20,139
he said, I have put my trust in God. He
said, he will look after me. And the

444
00:30:20,140 --> 00:30:23,319
plane flies away. Well, a few minutes
later, some natives from a nearby

445
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:26,579
are paddling up the river in a boat. And
one of them starts to ask if he needs

446
00:30:26,580 --> 00:30:30,219
any help. And again, the priest replies,
no, I have put my trust in God. He will

447
00:30:30,220 --> 00:30:34,920
look after me. And away they go. And an
hour later, he's still there, clinging.

448
00:30:34,921 --> 00:30:38,719
And a helicopter happens to pass by, and
naturally the chap leans out of the

449
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:42,079
helicopter, calls down to the priest,
can I, can I interest you in a Barrett's

450
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:43,130
home at all, he said.

451
00:30:44,341 --> 00:30:49,949
No, he didn't say anything of the sort.
That would be ridiculous.

452
00:30:49,950 --> 00:30:54,549
He asked the priest if he was in
trouble, and once again, the priest,

453
00:30:54,550 --> 00:30:58,469
sustained by his faith, replies, no, I
have put my trust in God, and I know

454
00:30:58,470 --> 00:31:01,469
he will look after me. At which point,
he falls off the ledge, into the river,

455
00:31:01,470 --> 00:31:02,669
and is eaten by the crocodile.

456
00:31:02,670 --> 00:31:06,049
Next thing he knows, he's walking around
heaven, and he meets God. He said,

457
00:31:06,050 --> 00:31:07,190
look, this is terrible.

458
00:31:07,550 --> 00:31:10,980
You said if I put my trust in you, you'd
look after me. What went wrong?

459
00:31:11,210 --> 00:31:15,170
And God said, well, I don't know. I sent
a plane, a boat, and I...

460
00:31:25,670 --> 00:31:28,560
That's £6 .40 altogether. £10. Thank you
very much, madam.

461
00:31:32,530 --> 00:31:33,580
Oh, dear.

462
00:31:34,430 --> 00:31:36,540
Ali Baba's a bit off course, isn't he,
eh?

463
00:31:37,461 --> 00:31:39,409
Hello, Abdul.

464
00:31:39,410 --> 00:31:41,489
Are you all right, are you? That's the
idea.

465
00:31:41,490 --> 00:31:42,690
The cheek of Araby, eh?

466
00:31:43,870 --> 00:31:45,350
There we are, madam.

467
00:31:45,750 --> 00:31:48,940
£3 .60 change. Thanks very much. Are you
all right, dear? Bye -bye.

468
00:31:49,050 --> 00:31:50,730
Down by, Fred. What can I do for you?

469
00:31:51,170 --> 00:31:53,470
I want, um... I want mouse.

470
00:31:53,471 --> 00:31:57,249
Mouse? Mouse? Ah, you're in the wrong
shop there. You want a pet shop.

471
00:31:57,250 --> 00:31:58,330
Pet shop down the road.

472
00:31:59,550 --> 00:32:00,600
Chocolaty mouse.

473
00:32:01,170 --> 00:32:02,220
Chocolaty mouse.

474
00:32:02,750 --> 00:32:03,830
Chocolaty mouse.

475
00:32:04,290 --> 00:32:05,340
Chocolaty mouse.

476
00:32:05,341 --> 00:32:09,569
Oh, chocolate mouse you want. Chocolate
mouse. That's a sweets, you see. That's

477
00:32:09,570 --> 00:32:12,329
a sweet. We don't sell chocolate mice
here. You have to go down to sweets. No,

478
00:32:12,330 --> 00:32:14,090
please, not the mice. Not the mice.

479
00:32:14,091 --> 00:32:15,209
The mouse.

480
00:32:15,210 --> 00:32:18,029
No, well, mice is the plural of mouse in
England. You have to learn to speak

481
00:32:18,030 --> 00:32:19,230
English when you're old.

482
00:32:19,561 --> 00:32:21,629
Chocolaty mouse.

483
00:32:21,630 --> 00:32:22,680
Yeah.

484
00:32:23,100 --> 00:32:26,940
Oh, I see. Well, yes, I suppose you
could call it Chocolaty Mouse, yes.

485
00:32:26,941 --> 00:32:28,659
Chocolaty Mouse, if you like, yes.

486
00:32:28,660 --> 00:32:31,719
Chocolaty Mouse, yes. Or Chocolate
Mouse, we actually say, you see. We say

487
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:33,979
Chocolate Mouse. No, Chocolaty Mouse.
No, no, no.

488
00:32:33,980 --> 00:32:35,540
Yeah, all right then, all right.

489
00:32:35,541 --> 00:32:39,059
We'll call it Chocolaty Mouse. Here we
are, so one Chocolaty Mouse. Yes, very

490
00:32:39,060 --> 00:32:39,739
good, sir.

491
00:32:39,740 --> 00:32:42,630
There we are. Now, what would you like
next, sir? Um, purry.

492
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:44,700
Curry? No, purry, purry, purry.

493
00:32:45,140 --> 00:32:46,540
Purry, purry, purry, purry.

494
00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:49,060
Purry, purry. Tomato purry.

495
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:51,090
Tomato purry.

496
00:32:51,220 --> 00:32:52,340
Tomato purry.

497
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:57,000
Tomato purry. Tomato purry. Tomato...
Oh, tomato puree, you mean. Tomato

498
00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:01,480
Tomato purry. No, I must correct you
this time, sir. The correct

499
00:33:01,540 --> 00:33:04,560
you see, is tomato purry.

500
00:33:04,561 --> 00:33:09,419
Yeah, that's how we say it over here.
Tomato purry. That's right.

501
00:33:09,420 --> 00:33:11,770
You've got that one. Where is the tomato
purry?

502
00:33:11,771 --> 00:33:12,639
Just a minute.

503
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:16,139
Molly, where's the tomato purry, love?
We seem to run out of it. Tomato purry,

504
00:33:16,140 --> 00:33:19,319
love. Where's the what? The tomato
purry. Oh, it's all right. It's right

505
00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:22,859
me nose. Here it is. I've got some.
Here, one tin of tomato purry, sir. Are

506
00:33:22,860 --> 00:33:23,910
too drunk? Shut up.

507
00:33:25,780 --> 00:33:27,160
Apologies for the wife, sir.

508
00:33:27,900 --> 00:33:29,580
Sodder. Yes, that's what I say, sir.

509
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:32,860
You mean sodder? What?

510
00:33:33,180 --> 00:33:34,230
Sodder. Yeah.

511
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:35,860
Vicar bonnet of sodder.

512
00:33:37,690 --> 00:33:39,130
Bicker bonnet. Bicker bonnet.

513
00:33:39,310 --> 00:33:42,920
Oh, we're back on the little... Bicker
bonnet of soda. Bicker bonnet of soda.

514
00:33:42,921 --> 00:33:44,809
Bicarbonate of soda.

515
00:33:44,810 --> 00:33:45,860
Oh, very good.

516
00:33:46,290 --> 00:33:47,670
You have no uses, don't you?

517
00:33:48,110 --> 00:33:50,340
There we are, one bicker bonnet of soda,
sir.

518
00:33:51,190 --> 00:33:53,050
Jewish? No, no, not me, no, no.

519
00:33:55,150 --> 00:33:59,790
Chinaman. Chinaman, hardly, sir, hardly,
no. I'm C of E. Oh, C of E. C of E,

520
00:33:59,810 --> 00:34:03,449
yes. Also C of E. You C of E? No, no,
not me, C of E. You're a muslin, aren't

521
00:34:03,450 --> 00:34:06,770
you? No, no, C of E on my knees. C of E.
C of E. C of E.

522
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:10,320
Coffee. I mean, C of E. Oh, C of E.
Coffee.

523
00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:11,650
No, coffee.

524
00:34:11,651 --> 00:34:14,779
Where is it, love? Well, it's over where
it always is, by the juice, love. A

525
00:34:14,780 --> 00:34:17,980
Jewess. Jewess. Oh, Jewess. Oh, that
sort of Jewess. Oh, I see.

526
00:34:18,420 --> 00:34:21,790
What sort of Jewess did you want, sir? A
Prickett. A Prickett Jewess.

527
00:34:22,780 --> 00:34:26,150
Prickett Jewess over there, dear.
Prickett Jewess. Look, cinnamon.

528
00:34:26,300 --> 00:34:28,260
Cinnamon? Chinaman. Oh, Chinaman.

529
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:32,010
Very good. The Prickett Jewess down to
cinnamon.

530
00:34:32,139 --> 00:34:34,500
Chinaman. Right, sir. What else, sir?
Dong Yu.

531
00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:36,120
Not at all. My pleasure, sir.

532
00:34:37,590 --> 00:34:39,678
Tongue. Tongue?

533
00:34:39,679 --> 00:34:44,138
Tongue. Tin of tongue you. Tongue you.
Oh, tin of tongue you. Oh, tin of tongue

534
00:34:44,139 --> 00:34:46,420
you. There we are, one tin of tongue
you, sir.

535
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:48,300
Lovely. Yes, next.

536
00:34:48,739 --> 00:34:49,789
Pee? Hmm?

537
00:34:49,900 --> 00:34:50,950
Pee.

538
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:52,330
Tin or frozen?

539
00:34:52,500 --> 00:34:53,550
No, pee.

540
00:34:53,659 --> 00:34:55,699
No, pee. I want, I want pee.

541
00:34:56,020 --> 00:34:57,070
Ah.

542
00:34:57,071 --> 00:35:00,139
Well, I'll tell you what you do. You go
out here, down to the phone.

543
00:35:00,140 --> 00:35:01,340
No, villain them pee.

544
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:02,690
Villain them pee.

545
00:35:02,691 --> 00:35:03,559
Villand MP.

546
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,180
Villand MP. Oh, Villand MP.

547
00:35:05,181 --> 00:35:06,759
Villand Empire.

548
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:07,810
Villand Empire.

549
00:35:08,540 --> 00:35:11,910
What would you like? A nice thick slicky
here. That's a thick slicky.

550
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,910
Right, so now, come on now, give me a
really hard one. Come on.

551
00:35:16,260 --> 00:35:17,310
Soup.

552
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:18,370
Soup. Soup.

553
00:35:18,420 --> 00:35:22,800
Oh, now, you want soup to wash your
hands with, don't you? Eh?

554
00:35:22,801 --> 00:35:25,939
That's what I'm catching on, you see.
Well, we don't sell it. That's down at

555
00:35:25,940 --> 00:35:28,859
chemist, you see. He's a very good
bloke. He'll cure you or anything.

556
00:35:28,860 --> 00:35:30,760
My malady. Yes, he'll cure your malady.

557
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:32,360
He'll cure it.

558
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:37,600
My malady. My malady. My malady. My
malady. For... My malady for the two

559
00:35:39,180 --> 00:35:43,019
Two -arsed. Two -arsed. The breakfast,
the my malady and the two -arsed. Two

560
00:35:43,020 --> 00:35:47,459
-arsed. C .A .B. C .A .B. Oh, I've got
it. Oh, a nice cup of C .A .B., couple

561
00:35:47,460 --> 00:35:49,930
slices of two -arsed and some my malady
on the top.

562
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:54,020
Silver Shred My Malady, there you are,
sir.

563
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,770
Got one of your little friends on the
side there.

564
00:35:58,820 --> 00:36:01,950
He may not be there for much longer, but
he's definitely there.

565
00:36:02,380 --> 00:36:03,960
I want, uh, cack.

566
00:36:04,260 --> 00:36:05,310
Hmm? Cack.

567
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:10,060
Cack. Cack, you know. Plenty of cack.
Plenty of cack, right? Oh, I know cack.

568
00:36:10,140 --> 00:36:11,700
Yes, here we are, sir. There he is.

569
00:36:12,140 --> 00:36:14,790
Mr. Kipling makes exceedingly good cack.
There we are.

570
00:36:14,791 --> 00:36:18,619
Do you like it? Wonderful. I have the
chocolatey mouse, the tomato puree, the

571
00:36:18,620 --> 00:36:25,139
bicarbonate of soda, the cinnamon, the
juice, the apricot juice, the soup, and

572
00:36:25,140 --> 00:36:25,879
the cack.

573
00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:26,930
Oh, very good.

574
00:36:27,140 --> 00:36:28,190
300 pounds.

575
00:36:28,191 --> 00:36:32,899
Before we change for that. Oh, no,
please. No, no, not to change.

576
00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:33,379
No, change.

577
00:36:33,380 --> 00:36:37,220
Oh, very nice of you, sir. I'm going now
to have the sherry.

578
00:36:37,221 --> 00:36:40,799
Have the sherry. Oh, very nice. Just
going down for a quick one before lunch.

579
00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:41,850
No,

580
00:36:41,851 --> 00:36:45,399
no, no, please. Not the quick one before
lunch. No, no. I'm going to have the

581
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:48,320
sherry. Have the sherry. Have the sherry
for the clothing.

582
00:36:48,780 --> 00:36:51,070
Oh, the clothing. Oh, well, the
haberdashery.

583
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:55,699
Haberdashery. Oh, no, the haberdashery.
Yes. Because I've got to get large brass

584
00:36:55,700 --> 00:36:58,200
ears for my wife, you see. Oh.

585
00:36:59,240 --> 00:37:02,600
No, no, no, the brass ears, the brass
ears.

586
00:37:02,860 --> 00:37:03,910
Oh, the brass ears.

587
00:37:04,220 --> 00:37:05,270
Yes,

588
00:37:05,620 --> 00:37:08,990
I have to get the large brass ears,
because her tights are enormous.

589
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:26,579
Hi there, and welcome to this special
edition of

590
00:37:26,580 --> 00:37:27,630
Plop of the Plop.

591
00:37:28,201 --> 00:37:35,589
We've got Status Who, those brilliants
of rock and roll. We've got Big Mama, an

592
00:37:35,590 --> 00:37:38,830
enormous success, and a new entry at 39,
45, 87.

593
00:37:39,290 --> 00:37:44,450
And least but not last, it is number one
chart buster, Little Steamy Window.

594
00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:51,989
Oh, summer

595
00:37:51,990 --> 00:37:53,040
rain.

596
00:37:54,710 --> 00:37:56,450
Like warm champagne.

597
00:37:59,470 --> 00:38:04,230
No birds, no bees, no flowers, no trees,
November.

598
00:38:05,690 --> 00:38:11,610
Gray skies above, no thought of love.

599
00:38:13,010 --> 00:38:19,530
And I can say, a gloomier day, I can't
remember.

600
00:38:20,870 --> 00:38:27,010
At half past four, I knocked your door.

601
00:38:28,710 --> 00:38:34,070
To run a check on your electrical
supply.

602
00:38:35,610 --> 00:38:41,890
I smiled at you, and we both knew.

603
00:38:43,410 --> 00:38:49,310
When your eyes lit up, the sparks began
to fly.

604
00:39:03,720 --> 00:39:04,770
of Paris.

605
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:12,080
You were a king that will make you
welcome.

606
00:39:13,300 --> 00:39:19,700
Very soon you had me underneath the
stairs.

607
00:39:21,060 --> 00:39:27,240
Then I stayed to check your heater.

608
00:39:34,450 --> 00:39:40,409
You switched me on. Now we're

609
00:39:40,410 --> 00:39:46,989
connected. Waiting for a little

610
00:39:46,990 --> 00:39:48,730
build to come.

611
00:40:23,530 --> 00:40:26,970
You pick my mama, I'm a blacker than a
black guy.

612
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:18,260
I get you up in the morning and I
flatten you every night.

613
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:17,040
Greatest chart topper from status quo.

614
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:49,979
But she goes on and on and on and on and
on and on and on. She nags me every

615
00:42:49,980 --> 00:42:55,359
morning and she nags me every night. She
nags me when I'm sober and she nags me

616
00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:56,410
when I'm tired.

617
00:42:56,500 --> 00:42:59,740
When I come home, it really gets me
going.

618
00:42:59,960 --> 00:43:03,620
She can't nag me in person, so she
leaves a nagging note.

619
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:06,980
Very fond of her.

620
00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:37,279
lunchtime so she rings me up at work.
She nags at me at mealtime and she nags

621
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:41,760
on the job. If I wasn't such a gentleman
I'd smack her in the gob.

622
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:47,020
Very ponderous but she goes on and on.

623
00:44:29,009 --> 00:44:31,810
Thank you.

624
00:45:02,510 --> 00:45:06,849
to be very nearly all we have time for
tonight, but before we go, a few late

625
00:45:06,850 --> 00:45:10,889
items of news. There was a strange
happening during a performance of

626
00:45:10,890 --> 00:45:14,609
pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda
tonight when a man playing the triangle

627
00:45:14,610 --> 00:45:15,660
disappeared.

628
00:45:19,490 --> 00:45:25,090
For the first time in 17 months, Terry
Wogan did not appear on television

629
00:45:25,950 --> 00:45:29,080
Tonight he went into hospital suffering
from underexposure.

630
00:45:29,081 --> 00:45:35,559
Pot Legal Society announced tonight that
they are planning a trip to Blackpool

631
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:37,360
this year to see the hallucinations.

632
00:45:39,660 --> 00:45:44,359
Proof positive tonight that criminals
are getting younger and younger. A

633
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:47,899
in Bridgewater had their bedroom
ransacked while they were watching

634
00:45:47,900 --> 00:45:51,390
but caught the burglar when he called
downstairs for a glass of water.

635
00:45:52,260 --> 00:45:56,879
And finally, it's been announced that
newlywed contortionists Vic and Doris

636
00:45:56,880 --> 00:45:59,180
are going on a second honeymoon to
unwind.

637
00:46:01,390 --> 00:46:05,749
In next week's programme, we'll be
introducing you to the Scotsman who

638
00:46:05,750 --> 00:46:09,470
say it with flowers on his wife's
birthday, so he sent her a packet of

639
00:46:11,430 --> 00:46:16,129
And also, also on the show, we'll be
welcoming Cliff Richard, who spoke out

640
00:46:16,130 --> 00:46:19,989
tonight about his sex life and said he
wishes people would stop harping on

641
00:46:19,990 --> 00:46:24,350
it. It was no more than an isolated
incident that took place over 20 years

642
00:46:26,830 --> 00:46:30,560
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

643
00:46:46,611 --> 00:46:48,709
Thank you.

644
00:46:48,710 --> 00:46:53,260
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0